


Getting Over You

by SnK_Gospel



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Break Up, Depressed Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Therapist Erwin Smith, based off a true story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-31 20:30:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8592415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnK_Gospel/pseuds/SnK_Gospel
Summary: ' "He still asks about you, y'know." '





	1. Levi Feels Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A teaser, really.

Levi had decided it would be a good night to have Mike over and relax. The tall blonde was normally very quiet, except when drunk. Besides that, Mike was enjoyable company.

  
They were watching a movie, Levi holding a can of beer that he had for an hour, and Mike had taken barely a sip from his. It was a calm night, as it always was.

  
"He still asks about you, y'know." Mike mumbled, glancing towards Levi.

  
"Yeah, I know. This is what he wanted though, So it's fine."  
Levi and Erwin had been apart for a year now. Levi had been hanging out with Mike almost the entire time.

  
"...When was the last time you even flirted with someone."

  
"I once complimented a girl."

  
Mike eyed the other male skeptically, before sighing.  
"You used to be so smooth, you could have a girl swooning in a few days. What happened to that?"

  
"I don't really want anyone right now. I'd rather focus on me, my goals, and my reading."

  
"I understand taking a break but.. Come on, this is weird even for you. You have one of the biggest hearts I know, but avoiding relationships?"

  
"Just not in the mood, y'know? What's the point, they'll see me as a project. I like myself, I don't want to be worked on."

  
"Jeez, You sound like him."

  
"Shut up! I'm fine the way I am. Like, single I mean. I'll fall in love with a book."

  
"Alright... Just, don't give up on love, okay?"

  
"I'm still in love, I'm just not dating the guy. So what? It's just the way it is. Besides, sleep is calling my name."

  
"Go get some rest, Levi."

  
He didn't sleep, however. In fact, he didn't even attempt to. After climbing into his bed, he tilted his head, and stared at the bland ceiling. He just wanted a long nap, and his friends Hanji and Mike. That was okay, his mind was restless. He could settle for the waking dream that was reading. ~~~~


	2. The Oil Inside his Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long. I wen through some stuff, and I'm back. I'm ready to absolutely break your hearts.

The next morning was just like any other. Levi woke, brushed his teeth, and showered. He ate, dressed, and started his car. 

He would go to work, and he knew he would never do anything meaningful. He didn't let those thoughts touch him. He was Levi, nothing more or less. He slid into his car, mind wandering yet blank for the twenty minute drive. The talk show on the radio was background noise. Driving was instinctive, he stopped at red lights, waiting for buses. To Levi, this life had no purpose. He would go to work, then go home and sleep. He would talk with Mike and perhaps enjoy himself, but in the end it was all the same. 

As he pulled into his spot, a sigh left his lips. He would be stuck in this cycle for some time. He clambered out, carrying his bag. Another dull day of listening to the office gossip. He did work with his friends, Farlan and Isabel, but he couldn't always socialize. They greeted him as he walked in, in return he gave them a small smile and a nod. They were like family, but even they couldn't help fill the void of his mind. Not his heart, no but his mind. The darkness that persisted in taking light from situations. The side that let him see the shadows in the darkest of light.

Then thing was, he greatly enjoyed the dark. While the sun warmed him, the dark comforted him. It was like being wrapped in the black silk of time. He wanted to close his eyes, and feel that way forever.

He knew he never could. His friends, his family, they seemed to count on him. Everyone was so strong yet fragile. They did fine when he wasn't around, but if he tried to leave forever, all their time would have been spent on him. For that reason, he stayed with them all. They made him smile, and in turn he made sure that he wasn't the reason that their smiles left. He knew they worried, and he comforted them. 

Everytime they asked, he let the darkness fill him and he would nod and smile. One day the darkness would be his friend, not a void. He told them that he wasn't okay, but he would be. He knew he would be. As he sat at his desk and began to try and read the newest report, his mind wandered. 

 

Erwin. The man of his dreams. Talk, blonde, strong, and kind. He respected Levi, and didn't try to change him as the others did. In fact, he had tried to get to know the real Levi. He looked past the emotions, and hurt. He looked into the person Levi was, and he loved him. In return, Levi did his best to look past the bad, and into the good of his own heart. 

What he had found, was love. A deep, vast ocean of untouched love. He loved everyone, himself included. He loved the man that had shown him the path to find that love. The days they had spent together, simple laughter filling the air. It was everything Levi had yearned for.

And just as everything had done before, it stopped. It was for Levi's own good. The pain had begun to grow along with the love, and Erwin couldn't bear it. Seeing the man he cared for, the very reason he kept fighting on that very day, was in pain. 

Levi had been in such deep pain, that even Erwin could barely brush the surface. It was like a swelling bubble, and Erwin wasn't going to be the one to burst it. 

So he pushed Levi away, but it was only for a moment. In that moment, Levi popped the bubble. The bitterness filled him, like a dark oil. It flooded over his mind, and he nearly snapped. He knew Erwin better than anyone else, and that's the only other person the bitterness could go to. He hurt him, and badly. 

He knew where it would hurt the man most, and the words that left his mouth is what fixes Levi once more. The horrors that filled him, seeing the pain in Erwin's eyes. "I didn't mean-"

Levi woke with a gasp, the file still open in his screen. As his nightmares always were, it had been monstrously vivid. He brushed it off, trying not to think about what his life could have been. What he wanted his life to be with that man- and now it would never be. He would remain in this cycle.


	3. From Different Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mmn, yes random chapter. Is it light? Is it dark? Read my dark tangled web of depression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have another rushed update

Erwin was sitting in his office as usual, the picture of his friends and himself graduating on proud display. Of course, Levi was right next to him, smiling as they tossed their hats into the air. Mike was on his other side, an arm slung around Erwin's shoulders. Hange was next to Levi, grinning as the light glinted off their glasses. Nanaba was holding Mike's hand, her smile seeming to sparkle. He stared at the photo for a moment, before hearing a timid knock on his door. He stood, calling out for his next client to enter. 

As a practiced counselor, Erwin had been helping people through their emotional trauma for years. He smiled as Armin, a very bright young mind, entered. This boy seemed to understand things most people spent half their lives spent trying to wrap their minds around. Though, as studies showed, depression often comes hand in hand with intelligence. This boy had watched his parents, drug addicts more than role models. Both overdosed when the boy was only six, having him sent to live with his grandpa. His grandpa wasn't the most sane, but it was keeping him out of foster homes.

Erwin smiled as the usually shy blonde boy grinned up at him. "Hey Mr. Smith. Ready to start?"

"As long as you are, Armin." His deep voice was gentle and reassuring, as a counselors' should be. 

He sat in his chair, letting Armin sit on the couch. The small blonde made small casual talk, Erwin nodding and occasionally asking a question or two. After a while, he nudged the conversation into a little deeper area. He asked about Armin's grandpa, and how life was at home. Armin seemed happy, but there seemed to be something under his mask. Finally, Erwin leaned forward a little and asked what was wrong. 

The last thing he suspected to come from this boy's mouth shocked Erwin. Armin was gay, and he seemed so horrified to have admitted it out loud. Erwin could help but let out a deep chuckle, the laughter rumbling from his chest. He smiled and chuckled once more, "Don't worry, it's natural. I normally don't tell clients this, but I am bisexual myself."

At the end of the session, Armin actually hugged Erwin before leaving. Erwin's heart swelled with pride and joy that he had helped someone a little younger feel safe in their own body. His job made him feel like he was doing a lot of right for the world. Even helping one person at a time, those people would go on to help others. It would be like a chain reaction of good actions from good people.

He sat in his chair, noticing the photo once more. His eyes were drawn to Levi's bright smile, and he pulled out his phone to text Mike. The message wasn't long or detailed, simply asking how Levi had been the past few weeks. Even after their fight, Erwin still cared about the man he had grown up with. What Levi said hurt, but it wasn't anywhere close enough to not care about the smaller male. 

Mike responded soon, saying that he had been doing fine, and seemed to be getting a little better. Levi might have been getting better, but for every up he had, his mood would crash back down. 


	4. Mourning his Loss

Levi finished work slowly, leaving with a slump in his shoulders. Hanji ruffled his hair, and an annoyed sound left his mouth. He drove home, jacket tossed onto his passenger seat. His mind was blank, his eyes devoid of life. 

This happened most days. He started feeling awful, but by the end he had subdued the feelings. He got home, walking to a surprisingly light home. He turned  to see a certain talk blonde on his couch.

"Not even a warning text, Mike?" Levi muttered, hanging his jacket up. "Go get me a beer."

Mike rose without a word, handing Levi a beer that had been waiting for him. Levi gave him a greatful look, popping the top of the can. He chugged half of the can and sighed. 

"Jesus, Mike. Did you buy the good shit for me?"

"You seem like you've been needing some drinking time. Take off some of the stress." 

A bitter laugh escaped his mouth, and he took a swig of his beer. "Don't pity me. I'm doing just fine, Michael." 

Mike eyed him, and then suddenly pulled the smaller male to his chest. Levi struggled for barely a second, before going mostly limp. 

"You think I haven't noticed? When was the last time you laughed? I know you, a normal break up wouldn't phase you like this. What happened? I know you've been avoiding this but... Tell me, please."

Levi was shaking, letting go of his almost empty can. He gripped Mike tight, face resting against the man's abdomen. 

"I hurt him Mike. You should have seen his face, heard his voice. I never wanted to be like Kenny. In that moment... Everything he taught me came to the surface. I said things.. I never meant them. I never wanted to be Kenny!"

Mike's eyes were wide. He knew about Levi's uncle, and he suddenly understood why Levi was the way he was. 

Levi hadn't had the best life. His abusive uncle raised him, teaching him how to hurt without laying a finger on someone. Mike held him closer, as Levi broke down for the first time in a long time. All the pain and dark thoughts he kept inside were swelling up. He went from a break down to an anxiety attack.

Mike was smart enough to grab his Xanax, giving Levi water. He realized that the break up wasn't what caused the pain, but Levi's own actions. Levi was afraid of himself, afraid of hurting others. So he put on a cold exterior, not letting people close. 

Once Levi was worn out, Mike tucked him into bed. Then, he crawled in the other side and held him close. "Sleep, Levi. You will never be Kenny. You can't be Kenny. You are Levi, and we love you very much."

"I love you guys so much, but I'm afraid."

—

Levi woke to a broad chest in his face, and quiet snoring. His heart soars for a minute, and he almost thinks he's with Erwin. His heart drops for a minute,  and he remembers what happened the night before. He simply curls up, closing his eyes. 

Mike woke about half an hour later, finding Levi clinging to him. He pulls the small male close, hearing Levi complain about being moved. Mike chuckled, sitting up.

"You have to get to work, okay? Go shower and I'll have breakfast ready." 

Levi nodded, silent as he went into the bathroom. Erwin's words from long ago invaded his mind. 

_"Maybe you should book an appointment with a therapist."_


	5. Trying to Live Normally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of our big blondie.

Erwin had the day off for the first time in a while. Most of the time when he had a weekday off, it was a federal holiday. Today, however, it was his mother's birthday. He had taken her out to brunch, and bought her a very nice cashmere sweater. She seemed so grateful, and told Erwin she was very proud to have him as her son. After spending the first half of the day with her, Erwin had gone home to relax.  


As he sat on his couch watching whatever show had come on, he looked around. While he had been happy recently, he felt like something was missing from his life. Due to a busy schedule, Erwin hadn't been able to really see his friends in a few weeks. Pictures of his family and friends littered the walls, and there was always one person who reappeared the most. Levi, with his brilliant quick silver eyes, jet black hair, and mischievous smile. The older the photo was, the more different Levi's smile was.  


In the oldest photos, Levi's smile was small, almost nonexistent in some of the photos. His eyes had nervously met the stare of the camera, and he mostly strayed towards the back of the photos. Next to him was Erwin, brilliant smile and golden hair drawing the attention. As they progressed a few months, something seemed to change about Levi. He looked comfortable in the photos, his smile small, but soft. Erwin still dominated the photo, but Levi was now noticeably present. Erwin's favorite photos then began, where Levi's bright smile shone through. His eyes seemed bright, and his smile made Erwin feel like dancing. He looked happy, standing in the forefront of the picture with Erwin at his side. The two blended well, dark and light mixing like yin and yang. It was these photos that made Erwin feel miss him the most.  


Erwin knew that Levi had struggled with depression all of his life. He had heard the horror stories of Kenny, and did his best to help Levi through it all. Watching Levi open up had been a slow process, but very rewarding. He had seen sides of Levi that he wasn't sure someone had seen before. The late nights with Levi resting against Erwin, tear stains on his cheeks but a smile on his face. Erwin could still remember their whispered confessions of love, clutching each other close and exchanging loving kisses. He could remember the early mornings he would wake up to Levi still sound asleep, and at peace.  


When Erwin snapped back into the present, he felt wetness on his face. Using a tissue, he wiped the tears from his face. He missed Levi greatly, but sometimes it still hurt to think about the things Levi had said to him. He remembered every fight they had, he remembered seeing Levi broken and defeated at his feet. He remembered coming to Levi's house late at night, finding the male covered in his own blood. all these images flashed through his mind, and he couldn't repress them.  


He grabbed his phone, prepared to call Mike to talk about it. However, he already had a text from Mike. Opening it, Erwin's heart seemed to drop farther than it already had.  


'Erwin, Levi's been getting worse. He needs help, what should I do?'  


Erwin didn't know what to do, sitting down and sinking into his chair. So Mike had been lying, of course. Erwin had expected a bad reaction from the break up. So he called Mike, the answer was almost immediate.  


"Give me a minute," mike seemed to pull away from the phone, and Erwin had to strain to hear the next few words. "Levi, I have to take this call. I'm gonna step outside."  


"You're with Levi?" Erwin asked as soon as the man said he was back.  


"Yeah, I've been sleeping over recently. He seems to need it. I've never seen him like this Erwin, it's like he's dead inside. His eyes.. God, Erwin, I've never seen such soulless eyes."  


Hearing those words broke Erwin's heart, "Mike, how long has he been like this? I need the truth if you want me to help."  


"It started about two months after the break up. At first it didn't happen often at first, but now.. It's almost constant. I used to be able to pull him out of it. I'm terrified, Erwin."  


"I'll be over in a few minutes."  



	6. Seeing Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They meet again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for those of you that actually waited for me to update, I'm so sorry.

Levi watched Mike walk back in the room, only reacting to the fact that his eyes had registered movement. Mike walked up to him, and Levi seemed to focus a little more. "Who called?"

"Oh, nobody. Levi, do you mind if Nanaba joins us?" Mike asked, giving Levi a smile.

Nanaba was Mike's best friend, and another therapist. She was very sweet, and Levi loved being around her. He nodded his consent, and Mike pulled out his phone to text Nanaba, Levi assumed. He leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes for a minute. His mind was mostly blank, heart no longer aching but instead filled with a numbness. It was only when Mike sat next to him on the couch that he opened his eyes once more. Mike pulled Levi into his side in a one armed hug.

"How're you feeling, Lee?" Mike asked softly.

Levi cringed at the nickname, it was one Erwin had often used. However, Mike had been using it for just as long so Levi wouldn't make him stop. "I'm fine, quit worrying so much, Mike."

Mike observed Levi for a moment, before sighing faintly. He supposed that was the best answer he was going to get. He turned the TV on, waiting until there was a knock at the door. Mike got up before Levi could, and went to the door. He opened it a few inches at first, shielding Levi's view. After a few seconds, Levi blinked. That was not Nanaba.

Erwin had just walked into his house.

Before Levi knew what he was doing, he was on his feet, looking slightly panicked. Why had Mike _lied_? Why was Erwin here?

"It's nice to see you, Levi." Erwin spoke first, that signature gentle smile on his face. Levi's heart ached as he heard the man's caring tone.

"Why are you here?" Levi had meant the words to sound more affirmative and demanding, instead he sounded meek.

Erwin looked to Mike, sighing softly. "You didn't tell him I was coming? Mike do you even realize what this is probably doing to him?" The blonde turned, raising his hands in front of him to show him that he meant no harm. "I'm sorry, Levi. I didn't mean to startle you. Mike called me because he's worried about you." 

Levi just stared blankly at him, then turned to stare at Mike. "You said Nanaba was coming over. That's Erwin, Mike that is not Nanaba." His heart was racing, he didn't know what to do. Seeing the blonde brought so many memories rushing back. 

_He had been out with Erwin on their first ever date. They had gone to get ice cream, when a younger child bumped into him. The sweet treat was all over his pants, and a knot was forming in his chest. He didn't realize that he was glaring, but the child started to cry. The knot tightened, and his hand that was in Erwin's tightened it's grip. Erwin suddenly stepped in front of him, attempting to soothe the child. Once the child was done crying and the mom brought him back to the counter, Erwin was turning to Levi. He shushed him, taking him out of the shop. He calmed down in the mans arms, gentle hand stroking his hair. He was breathing quickly, and tears were streaming down his face. Erwin calmed him down patiently, and Levi had thanked him afterwards by paying for their dinner. Erwin had taken him home, and put a movie on. even though Levi had thought he had given Erwin the worst date ever, the man stayed. He had always stayed, until that day._

Erwin looked at the man, and he could easily recognize Levi's beginning stages of a panic attack. He slowly approached the male, putting a hand on his shoulder. he watched Levi flinch, and those cold, lifeless eyes were staring into his own. "Levi, do you still have your pills? Mike, can you get him some water?" He turned back to the shorter male, petting his hair without thinking. 

Levi just trembled, and he shook his head as Erwin asked about his pills. He had been taking his pills so often due to Mike, he wasn't even sure if there were any lying around. Instead he tried to focus on the fact that Erwin was touching him, Erwin was here. And instead of feeling better, he could feel the darkness bubble up. Like oil spilling from a pocket in his mind, everything came back. every moment that he had needed the man and he hadn't responded. Every time he saw even a picture of him, and he was smiling like Levi was long forgotten. Shouldn't he have been? Instead he felt angry, betrayed, and most of all, desolated. Erwin could just show up in his house and then ask him if he still took his pills? Erwin could just leave him instead of talking it out like they always promised, and then act like nothing had ever changed? 

What happened next was like watching it through another person's eyes. He pushed the man's hand away, tears streaming down his face as he stared at those blue eyes he had come to love so much. "You need to get out, right now. I hate you, Erwin!"

 


	7. Not a chapter, an announcement.

So, not a new chapter, but the new one is in progress. Will be up by the end of the week. I actually promise. Anyways, there’s a new bit to this. 

This story was based off a very real event in my life, and some things have happened. The story is changing directions. I’m going to leave you guessing of course, but there’s a new romantic interest for Levi. If you can guess, it’s Mike. However, even I haven’t decided who he’s going to end up with. Only time shall tell. 


	8. Embracing This

Erwin stared at the smaller male for a moment after the words left his lips. It was still ringing in his ears. He was triggering Levi. He just wanted to help, he just wanted to see him again. This isn’t what he had wanted.  
So Erwin took a deep breath, and steadied himself. “Levi, you’re just hurt-“   
“I know how I feel, Erwin! I hate you, you left me and I hate you!”   
Levi was now in tears, and shaking violently. Mike rushed over, pulling the smaller male away from Erwin. Levi curled into the man, hating the fact that anyone was seeing him like this. He wasn’t normally like this, he needed-  
“I never wanted you hate me, Levi. I only wanted to help.” His voice was calm, but he was hurt. “I’ll leave now, but.. If you ever need help please call me. I’ve been worried. You’re scaring Mike, and I’m sure you’re scaring Isabel and Farlan as well.”   
And with that, Erwin was walking out the door. Mike watched the man go with a crestfallen face, and a broken Levi in his arms. Mike looked down to the small man in his arms with a sigh, lifting him up with ease. Levi needed to be in bed. He needed to be held, soothed, and cuddled. So Mike carried the man to his bedroom and tucked him in. Without skipping a beat he curled up next to him, a hand stroking the soft black hair. “Levi.. It’s going to be okay. Let’s just sleep, yeah? You need a day off tomorrow. I won’t leave your side.”   
The words calmed him immensely, and soon his face was buried in Mikes chest, his breathing becoming slowly less and less erratic. It was about an hour before he was worn out and asleep, curled into the man like he was the most valuable thing to him. And in that moment, he probably was.   
When Levi woke the next morning, it was to Mike cupping his face, staring intently at him.   
“What the fuck?” He muttered in a drowsy, thick voice.   
Mike simply laughed and let go of his face, sitting up. “I called you into work, pretending to be your cousin. Said it was a family emergency.”   
Levi was silently thankful for him, closing his eyes as he flopped back into his pillow. The grateful feeling ended when his blankets were yanked off, and he opened one eye to glare at Mike.   
“You call me off a day but I can’t sleep in?” Levi grumbled at the taller man.   
Mike simply smiled at him, dropping the blanket at the end of the bed and beckoning the man to him as he left the room. Levi followed after with a sigh, but was pleasantly greeting by the smell of-  
“Eggs? Bacon? Mike did you make breakfast? I didn’t even have bacon.”   
“I went and bought some. I wanted to give you a good day, and that starts with a good morning.”  
“You don’t have to do all this. Just because I saw Erwin yesterday doesn’t mean you need to baby me. I’ll be fine. I’m always-“   
“I’m tired of hearing that, Lee. You’re not fine. You haven’t been fine. I shouldn’t have called Erwin, but I had to do something to help you. I didn’t know it would do that to you..”   
Levi was dead silent for a long moment, before turning away from the taller man. Mike was worried he was going to be asked to leave, when Levi finally spoke.   
“You we’re trying to help. I appreciate that.”  
Relief flooded through Mike, and not even a moment later the smaller man was hugging him, arms wrapped around his abdomen. It was such a nice feeling, and he doubted he would ever get to feel this for a couple months. So he embraced him back, squeezing home happily.   
“Oh, Lee..”


End file.
